The Diaries Begin

Hello and welcome to my blog.

My name is Mary-Jane, I'm 19 years old and struggling to cope.

I'll get straight to it. I live with TMJ Disorder, Fibromyalgia, Hyperacusis, PCOS and twisted leg joints. I also have underlying conditions of Bruxism, Hypermobility and flat feet. I've suffered for a good few years now.

I'm writing this blog not to make others aware of what I have, but just as a place to share my feelings. I have a loving partner, supporting family and wonderful friends. I also know people who suffer from the same conditions I do. But who do I really have to talk to?

When you talk to someone, whether that is to complain that you're in pain, or just feeling a bit low, as supportive as they are, there is nothing they can do. Normally, there's nothing anyone can do. Sometimes the doctors can help, sometimes they can't. Sometimes they choose not to, and palm you off. This angers me more than anything as I've experienced it countless times, and hate to imagine the others who have too.

I have what we call 'invisible illnesses'. If people were to look at me in public, they would assume I'm disabled as I use a walking stick. Of course, they would be right, but no one would ever know what goes on behind that image. Many people don't stop and look behind the smile. Of course, if I were to stop smiling, I would be criticised for being miserable. Generally, it's a no win situation, which makes it all the more difficult. Thank you, society.

Right now I'm finding it harder to cope more than ever. I'm being rejected left, right and centre by so many people. I feel that I am sinking into a depression, a routine, a bad circle of life, one that I want to escape before it worsens. I feel like a burden to those around me, I feel pathetic, but most of all I feel like a failure.

There is something I need to get out of the way now before anyone begins to generate an opinion. There are many different illnesses out there, some minor, some major, some that can kill, some that can't. Now generally, the reason people get frustrated with people like me is because they don't 'understand'. So let me explain. People have different pain thresholds and mental capacities, a paper cut will hurt more to someone than a broken arm to another. To put it easily; people suffer differently. And that is what 'outsiders' don't understand. There will be many people who have my conditions who are happy to live their daily lives with no fuss, and then there are many people who have my conditions and are suicidal. Hopefully, there will be some people who are like me.

It is not fair to compare people's conditions with that of others. I will never compare myself to someone else, I am not worse off or better off than anyone, I am who I am, and thankfully, my friends, family, and partner understand that.

Another struggle for outsiders is that they don't know how to respond. I completely understand that. What are you supposed to say when someone says: "I'm going to be in pain for the rest of my life." How do you respond? I guess everyone is different in that respect.

Well, this is just the beginning, the explanation. This is the blog. If anything, it'll help me get my emotions out where I struggle to in the real world. Just remember, I may be ill, but I'm only 'different' if that is how you decide to view me.